Sunday, January 3, 2010

Foggy Mirror

The New Year is supposed to be a time of fresh starts… but right now I’m fogging up the mirror that I’m reflecting in. Things are cutting a little too close right now… so I’m not sure that I’m happy with what I see – or what to do about it.

My cousin and brother got engaged over the holiday season (no, not to each other). Is that a good thing? Ya, sure – I’m happy for them. How does that make me feel? Well, honestly, rather crappy. Of course it’s not intentional, but it does serve as a reminder that not only am I no where near a wedding, I’m not even close to a relationship. Do I have wonderful comments like “when are you going to find someone and get married?” to look forward to… gee, only if I’m really lucky.

I’m not happy with where I’m living. Every day seems to be a constant reminder that I am living in a rental suite… and in no way shape or form can I get in to the housing market right now. Yes, I know, a ton of people are in this same situation… doesn’t make me feel any better. I hate that I can’t afford to be in a place of our own for KEW and myself. I mean really hate it.

My job isn’t the place I want to be… but it is a place I need to be. I need those vacation and sick days, those benefits, that pension and that “history” that allows me to call in working from home when necessary because my kid is sick. Again, I know that this is how things work for the majority of the population… but it doesn’t make things feel any happier. Yes, I know that I’m lucky to have a job. I’m having a pity party – let me be!

I was told last night by a close friend that “I scare her”… or something to that effect (let’s just say I had lost count if which cocktail we were on by then). Ouch… that’s a bitter and hard pill to swallow – no matter what the comment was! I’ve never been one to have a lot of friends… more to have a few close friends… am I really that scary? Has that “tough exterior” I’ve built up over the years gotten too tough? Yikes!

So what am I going to do about this and why am I writing about this? Not sure… guess I’m just putting it out in to the Universe… to see what I do with it.


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